Yesterday, my friends graduated from Hamilton College and are joining me in the "real world." While some of them are certain where they will be for the next stage of their career, some are still trying to figure out what they want to do after graduation. While I advised them to just enjoy their senior year and that everything will fall into place once the time comes, I felt like I was really just trying to reassure myself.
The same time last year, I was in their position, unsure of the future, but at the same time, I just wanted to enjoy the summer because that is what one usually does after the school year ends. Except this time, after August, I didn't go back to school; I came back home to New York City and tried to find work. Despite not securing a job right after graduation, I was still somewhat hopeful that it won't take long for me to find something I like. After all, I graduated with excellent grades, from a liberal arts school that was known for their good writers. However, it took me almost a year to find something that paid me, and it was just enough for me to pay for my own personal expenses. I definitely would not be able to live on my own on this salary. Not willing to settle for this, I agreed to only do part-time because I didn't want to commit to something that was not going to challenge me and satisfy my needs. I also thought better time would be spent interning at a senator's office where it would be similar to the kind of community work that I want to do.
But life never works out the way you want it to, does it? Or at least through my eyes, from the experiences I've had. I'm not an ingrate, but I am a cynic. That's why I'm a student of literary criticisms: I bitch about how Murakami Haruki portrays his female characters as emotional wells from which the male character finds salvation, and really in his works, women are really more like fantastical, exotic (read erotic as well) creatures than human. Anyway, I end up hating my internship more than my job. But I'm afraid my job is only satisfying because there's really no other place where I feel like my work is appreciated and paid for. I'm also afraid to like this job too much because it's all about business and making money, quite the opposite from the community organizer and cultural critic that I had in mind.
All I can do now is expand my experiences, volunteer for organizations I actually care about and keep applying to jobs. Still, either I don't know how to sell my skills or there are people with much more to offer than how my resume and cover letter represent me, because I don't hear back from anyone. If I get an interview, I would at least know that I am seen as a desirable candidate. I keep thinking that my time will come and everything is happening or not happening for a reason, but I'm reading Candide right now and Voltaire's ridicule on Optimism, a belief that the Christian God is the all-powerful god and hence, this world that He created is the best of all possible worlds, does not help. I'm not done with the novella yet, so maybe I have yet to fully understand Voltaire's philosophy on life and all the cruelties and injustices that it offers. I'm sure it's a good one as he never did commit suicide despite contemplating it.
I'm sorry to write such a dark post to start the week, but it explains for the lack of posting from Leetle Beetle and me. Both of us have just been unmotivated because there's just nothing much to look forward to, for now. So this is what I do to cheer myself up a bit when I'm feeling hopeless and helpless: I listen to pop music. I don't listen to the indie music that I usually listen to because the quickest way to uplift one's spirits is to listen to cheap synthetic tunes with not-so-complicated, not-so-poetic lyrics. That's just me and I don't consider pop music my guilty pleasure because a lot of work is put into the production of such music, and I do think they can last (I still listen to Kelly Clarkson or Spice Girls sometimes). It's just the commercialism and unnecessary money spent on it that bother me, among other things. So here's Nicki Minaj's "Starships" because we're all meant to fly: