Monday, February 27, 2012

Where ARE you from, really?

After failing my road test on my birthday 1.5 years ago I've decided that it is time I tried again now that I've moved to an area where tree sex is a fad. 
Observe the tree sex.
Image courtesy of dosomething.org
After calling a local driving school I scheduled my 5-hr video class and my first lesson for Saturday (the one that passed already). The 5 hr video was standard (aka BORING). Now the lesson was when things got CRAZY. 

My instructor picked me up promptly at 4:15pm. She was already in the passenger seat so I took the drivers seat feeling super nervous. I am not trying to feed to the belief that Asians (especially females) can't drive, but I know my own abilities and I know that my anxiety of driving hinders my abilities to drive logically and well. I told her so and said that I've only drove for 12 hrs of my life. 
Image courtesy of drivinganxiety.net
My instructor seemed nice enough. She is a middle-aged, caucasian woman who is very blunt. Shakily I started driving following her directions. While trying to focus on driving (not crashing) she progressed to tell me about her day. Every mistake I made she would comment on how everyone she taught that day did the same thing and how they didn't listen to her when she tried to teach them. I apologized because I know that I basically suck at driving (which is why I'm paying her to teach me) and am sincerely sorry for hurting her neck from braking too hard. She retorted with "You don't mean that so stop apologizing and just listen to me. I teach a lot of foreigners and they all say the same thing and never listen to me." 

After telling me to turn right she then asked me "So, where are you from?" I answered as I normally would with "Brooklyn." Normally, I would not be offended when asked this question but it was her response to it that irked me. "No I mean where are you from, really?" I responded steadily with Brooklyn. She looked at me and said "So you were born in Chi-." "I was born in Brooklyn, my parents were from China though." 

I know I may have a very 'Fobby' face, but they usually get that I was born here when I say Brooklyn and would just ask where my parents were from. Am I too sensitive towards small talk? Did she really mean nothing from this? Am I feeding too much to the Chinese stereotype? This is the thought that has been racking my brain since Saturday. Where is the line that divides thinking too much and letting people get away with being racist? I feel like I should be offended but I also can't help feeling like I am just getting angry about something she didn't even mean. (BTW when I told her I worked for a pharmaceutical company she responded with I figured that much.) 

What I can't figure out is why I didn't say anything to her. But then what could I have said? I've always had trouble with confrontation especially if it is concerning myself. I think it is her passive racism that brought me back to a time in my childhood where I was basically helpless in defending myself against such acts. Have I grown soft and learn to accept the racism? 

What are your thoughts? Should I switch instructors or should I man up and confront her?

Until next time! 

<3 Nibs n Ink

11 comments:

  1. See if she continues to be "subtly" racist and just plain rude to you when you're trying to learn. After one or two more lessons, if she's still insufferable, go ask if you can have a different instructor due to her offensive comments. I would probably record her too. You've got to Lisbeth-Salander that bitch you know what I mean?

    -WahYizzle

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  2. Wow, where to start... you may not be offended but I certainly am. And perhaps that's jumping to conclusions, but she doesn't sound like a great teacher either. I remember how I was when I was learning to drive - my first hour on the road was so stressful that it took me four hours before the nausea went away. My dad has this saying, I believe it's Talmudic - you can't teach a shy student, and you can't learn from an angry teacher. My driving instructor wasn't the nicest guy in the world, but I was comfortable around him, and if you don't feel like you can be around this woman, dump her. You're paying her, after all. (That being said, I've never heard of a nice driving instructor - but I can't imagine they're all terrible people.)

    As for not saying anything, I can't imagine that it's easy to confront a potentially racist remark WHILE learning how to drive. That being said, you should never sit through something that makes you uncomfortable. If she says something, definitely confront her. You can just ask, "What do you mean by that?"

    I also don't know what a "fobby" face looks like. What does that mean - you look more Asian than other Asians?

    Also, if you don't mind my asking, did you include that she's Caucasian because you wanted to highlight that she's a different race/ethnicity than you are?

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  3. And I forgot to share this:
    http://www.imdiversity.com/villages/asian/secret_asian_man/strips/SAM_minority_0403.asp

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  4. LOL LOVEEE the comic you gave me! :) I said 'fobby' because I think I don't look as Asian-american as other Asian-americans? Well mainly people would think I was born in China versus being born in the U.S. You make very valid points.. I felt like I should have said something, but I really didn't want to become emotionally unstable while driving. I know that if I said something I would've cried.. because I'm a big crybaby. :X

    Yeah, I wanted to made sure to highlight that because I thought that it would make my story make more sense. Maybe I'm racist towards her in that aspect? I thought it would paint a better picture on what happened and why I had these thoughts. Maybe if she was Asian I wouldn't have mind that question as much. :X

    I had one nice instructor, but they switched him with someone else who was pretty mean.. But you're right, I wouldn't be able to learn from her if I'm just scared of her. But I don't know what to do because I feel like if I switch I would have to start over again and adjust to a new person and a new car. There is also the chance of getting another teacher just like her. Decisions decisions. I think I will give her a second chance and if it is really bad I will switch and maybe pay for and extra lesson if I'm not ready.

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    1. I've always associated "looking fobby" with a fashion style, not a "look". I really don't think there's a standard for "Asian American".

      I understand why you'd want to include her race, but I would figure that if she was also Asian, she probably wouldn't have asked a question like that.

      Out of curiosity - did you end up switching? I hope the lessons are going well.

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  5. hmm, maybe you were being a tad sensitive but she was dumb to keep asking too. jean, you dont have a fobby face -_-. you speak fluent english! are you going to stay with this instructor?

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    1. Yeah I am a very sensitive person... and I read a lot of articles about racism and sexism on my free time at work.. Maybe that contributed to my extra sensitivity. But I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and she is a good driving instructor. I have my 4th lesson the 28th and my road test on May 15th.. I'm so nervous! >__<

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  6. Racism is racism...most of it is in the "passive" form, as you call it...people don't intend hate or harm when they are racist. But in the end, the only cure for it is education. People won't know that it's inappropriate unless you say it. I can imagine that it's not easy, but otherwise, she'll continue going on as she did.

    Rather than discussing it in a "How could you not realize you're offensive" or pedantic way, tell her how you honestly felt. She just may not know or understand WHY it's offensive or where you're coming from but most people are sensitive to it.

    My husband is from Thailand and when they hear my last name (Sisaithong), they always do a double-take and ask where he's from. Granted, he was born in Thailand, but he was raised in Virginia, which is where he considers himself to be "from". He's a naturalized citizen but unfortunately, due to his appearance, people will always assume that he's anything but. He's been a target of passive and not-so-passive racism throughout his time in Virginia as well as during our time in Brooklyn...I keep telling myself that I will raise my children with the correct attitude and knowledge to extinguish it from our end, but I know they'll face it as well.

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    1. Thanks for commenting! I'm born in the U.S. but because my parents want me to remember my heritage, I have a Chinese name (spelled out in English); so most people think I was born elsewhere and/or don't speak perfect English. I'm sure my looks contribute to that presumption too, even though a lot of Americans really should update their view of the demographics of this nation.
      -WahYizzle

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    2. This actually comes up so frequently that there's a term for it - perpetual foreigner.

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    3. Well... it's been a long time since that incident so the moment to tell her without seeming like I am holding a grudge is over. I apologize for not responding sooner, I did not see this reply until today. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! You are right! Racism is racism even when it is passive. The next time I feel this way I will do my best to voice my opinion and hopefully not offend the offender. :)

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